On my way to the doctor this afternoon I turned on talk radio. The station was broadcasting an interview with a recent author. As they talked, the author cited the following statistics:
- In the 1950's 17% of mothers worked outside the home.
- In the 1970's (at the height of the woman's lib movement) 33% of mothers worked outside the home.
- In 2007, just over 70% of mothers worked outside the home. That number dropped in 2008, thanks to the economic crash, but still it hovers around 66%. That means that 2/3 of US mothers work outside the home.
As I listened I couldn't help but feel sorry for the children. Their mothers work to give them everything they could ever want ... except for time. Now I realize that there are mothers (many of whom I know and love) who really do have to work. And I admire those who try to work in such a way that they can spend as much time with their children as possible. My heart goes out to you. I'm sure you're doing the best you can with what you've got.
I guess my real qualm is when people minimize the sacrifices I've made by insinuating that I just happen to be really lucky to be able to stay home, and not everyone can be that lucky. I usually smile and say, "Yeah." But if I had the guts, this is what I'd say:
I know I'm blessed to stay home with my kids. I really am. But it's not like my husband has a six figure income. I don't stay home out of pure luck. We have made some serious sacrifices for me to be with the kids. We have three children in car seats and yet we have one mid-sized car. We don't own Blackberries or iPods. We don't have cable TV. We don't have fancy computers or lavish furniture. We don't go on exotic vacations. We don't eat out - even at McDonald's or Costco. In fact, in the last three years we have only once gone to a nice restaurant on our own tab. If we don't need it to survive, we generally don't buy it. I don't stay home just because I'm lucky (even though I really am). I stay home because it means the world to me to spend my days teaching and loving my children. And I'd sacrifice almost anything to do it.
ps. According to Reuters, I'm worth $138, 095 a year and put in a 92-hour work week. That sounds pretty accurate to me. :)
23 comments:
Exactly! I stay at home because Timm and I made a decision before we had kids that it was important to us that we didn't have other people raising our children if we didn't have to. I'm so blessed to be able to stay at home, but it requires some work and sacrifices that are well worth the effort!
Boy if we stay at home moms really made what we're really worth, $138K as you said, I bet the government would be all over taxing us too!
Those are some interesting stats... One thing you failed to say is there are a lot of mothers out there who choose to work because of their own selfish ego; something about holding a job title other than just "mother" makes them feel that much better than the average housewife. Pretty selfish in my opinion... it's these kind of women I wish had never been blessed with children cuz they're more worried about themselves than their own offspring!
If only that salary actually came in every year. . .
You know I am so with you on this one. For the women who have to work, I say more power to you, but the ones who don't I say why? And your right. Luck has nothing to do with it.
I appreciate your post. I agree with you.. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It's just something I have been very determined about. I don't want to work and be a mom/homemaker. I personally couldn't handle it and plus, I never really fit into the work world anyway. There are dear people to me who have to work, but they have chosen professions where they can be home as much as possible. For example the teaching profession... and I think we need women teaching children. It's what women do best!
I think one problem in the current culture is that when girls go to school, they are constantly being told how to build their career and how to be a success in the world of business... most of the professors are male and so I think they don't realize that most girls are going to be mothers and won't be able to have a huge career... or at least shouldn't. Sometimes the teachers act disappointed in girl students who say they are going to be a stay-at-home mom and they say that you have to face reality and realize they have to work too. It is kind of sad. I wish they were more supportive of motherly roles.
The thing is though, that with my field I can do it from home, so if for some reason we do need some extra income, I can do some side things that won't take me away from home. That is my plan at least.
I think it is good that women still develop their talents through their motherhood, but when all is said and done, motherhood comes first before all of that. It is all about having the right balance.
Anyway, thanks for the post. I liked it!
Wow, right on Janae!
Amen sista!
But wow, touchy subject. I totally agree with the sacrifices some of us make to stay at home. We choose not to have TV, furniture, lives, etc, but I don't agree with soup - she is mad, has she been offended by someone?
I'm a SAHM who has a really hard time with it. I love my kids dearly and I choose being home rather than working so I do my best. But I selfishly really enjoyed earning an income and being respected in the job I had before I was a mom. I liked the praise and the thanks. I don't get that as a mom. I have an autistic little boy who hits, bites, kicks, scratches, screams, cries and exhausts me. NO ONE knows what that is like unless you've been there. It's NOT easy and its NOT fun. It's not the motherhood I thought it would be, but it is worth it.
Amen, sista'!
A few comments I have gotten in my 10 months of SAHMommyJob thus far:
"Aw, that's nice. I could never do it" --Which sounds like a compliment but with that tinge of "I have to feed my intellect SO much more than kids can offer" kind of tone.
"Wow. You are brave!" Which is kind of funny...brave? To care for & raise my own children? Sacrifice yes, I am not sure about the bravery part (I mean, since when does the idea of staying at home become the role of 'only the special brave ones')...although I haven't faced potty training yet...
"When do you plan to go back to work?"...chirp chirp chirp...uh--this is my plan...
I suppose since my value system places such a huge priority in raising our children, it doesn't really make SENSE to me why anyone (who didn't have to) wouldn't choose it.
Yay for "the lucky ones" and the sacrifices we can make to get there!
In "The Tighwad Gazette" there's an article about computing the net value of the second income.
Once you factor in taxes, dry cleaning, day care, eating out more, etc. the math doesn't really add up. Most people don't do the math though.
It was very liberating for me, early in my SAHM career, to realize how much money I could save by learning frugal methods. Thus improving the quality of life for our family.
The stress of working FT and raising a family must be overwhelming. Kudos to all those amazing women who do so. Many don't have the support of a spouse.
I would be so sad to miss all those moments with my small children. (first words, walking, funny things they do.)
The years when you have young children at home are not many years to "sacrifice having the 2nd income" when you consider the big picture of your whole life. I've been home for 8.5 years now. But I'll still have plenty of years to EARN money later...
Way to be brave Janae! This very topic has been on my heart and mind as of late. It is a sensitive subject and I find it being discussed all the time. It is difficutl to address but you did it! Thanks!
First off, I think you and all other conscientious stay-at-home moms are worth much more than that figure. MUCH more.
I hate that stay-at-home moms have a bad rap. And I don't think we sacrifice our talents by staying home. You can use almost any talent to your benefit as a mother.
I could go on and on about his subject, but I better not...the baby needs me. Gotta run go be momma. :)
This is a good reminder to me that I can definitely do it. Sometimes I forget that we spend a lot of money on things we don't need and then I worry about how we can afford kids...duh. By the way, I love that little curl on the side of Seara's face. SO cute!
You said it perfectly
Was it Dr. Laura you heard talking about this? She has a new book out and I've seen her on a few shows talking about it.
I think it's sad that moms (or dads) who choose to stay at home aren't seen as having "real" jobs. I also tend to view it this way just out of habit. You only have a real job if you get a pay check.
I had a bunch of stuff typed in here, but I think I might make my own blog post about it. I have a lot of thoughts!
Thanks for getting my mind rolling!
Jodi - Actually it was an author who was talking about how the economy and technology has changed the face of the American family. I didn't realize that Dr. Laura had talked about this stuff - I'll have to look up her book. Thanks! By the way, I'd love to read your thoughts on the subject. :)
I totally agree with the “It’s nice you can afford it” part. I bet you'd also like a fancy new house, a shiny new automobile, a new computer, “quality preschool” (with extended hours when a child is going through a tough stage), cute new outfits and the opportunity to pursue more education. I had a professor that pointed out the irony in fact that a stay-at-home mom’s children that will be paying the social security for the working couple that chose not to have children to pursue their careers while she receives little if any social security benefits. If I met a pediatric heart surgeon, I’d probably treat him/her with a lot of respect. Shouldn’t I treat you the same? Don’t you do surgery on pediatric hearts each day? -easier said than done…very thought provoking post.
It was only since I had Emmaline that I've seen the importance/blessing of being a stay at home mom. I honestly went through my late teens/early twenties thinking that I was going to a career woman. I grew up in a home with a working mother to put food on the table. My brother and I were lucky that we were able to go to a family member's house instead of daycare.
When I got older, I went into college thinking that I had to have a professional career to provide for my family. Only the wives of doctor's and lawyers were lucky enough to stay home. I seriously thought I was going to be working in a biological lab somewhere making huge discoveries- like the cure for cancer or AIDS. I even fought with Andy about it a few times. He wanted me to stay home once we decided it was time to have children- I wanted to go to school and have nice things for us before that ever became an option. Then we had Emmaline and things changed for me.
I don't think anyone really ever wants to go back to work after they have a baby, but most do because they think it's their duty (like I used to). I'm lucky enough to have a husband and a little girl who have opened my eyes to being happy as a homemaker. I have no problem cutting costs wherever I can to be home (heck, I've been cutting costs ever since we got married!). If that means spaghetti every night, then so be it!
Wow you created a lot of chatter with this one...and I bet you're just loving it! ;) I think you did a very good job touching the tip of the iceberg and allowing the rest of us to think about the huge chunk underneath. I could post all my theories and thoughts on the subject, but you did an excellent succinct summary and frankly I'm too tired to tackle that one. Thanks for the moment of reflection.
IT's in the air... I just finished a book called "I don't know how she does it" for a book club I'm in. It's about a British mom of 2 small kids how also has a high paying high stakes career. She really addressed the issue that many working mom's feel guilty for working but feel they would go crazy at home or living "without" cell phones, nice cars, etc.
I think working while you have small children would be the hardest things in the world. How do you get up 3 times at night then go to work? I definitely wouldn't choose it. I would have such a hard time having someone else raise my kids. There's no one I trust enough. Matt and I talked about this a lot before we got married. That's why I ended up working 2 years so that we could both be done with school and save enough to get a house. I know you don't have to have those things before you have kids but it felt like the right thing for us.
Oprah did a special on this too. About how no matter how you parent your child someone will think their way is better. We need to stop beating each other up about it and just do what's best for the kids with what we've got to work with. Thanks for the validating post!
You go, girl!
Ditto to Cara's comments. You deserve WAY WAY more than $138,095. This was a really brave post. You go!
Janae, the next time someone says you're lucky you SHOULD say that! Seriously, if you guys can do it while Sam's in school, there's a good chance that whoever is saying that to you could do it too with some sacrafices too!
I'm working to pay off a stupid purchase....well, it's been a great purchase too...our car gets the most amazing milage EVER, and has saved us a lot of money that way, but I wish we had realized what we were getting into when we got it. Our car payment is WAY to much. But it's almost over and I can't wait until I'm done and join the ranks of SAHMs NEXT MONTH!!! (Assuming the baby's not late...which it better not be!) YAY!
"But if I had the guts..."
I know, I know. I feel the same way. It's such a touchy subject. I never want to offend, but also don't want to appear wishy-washy or that I don't think what I'm doing is vital.
great great post.
I also hate that people think moms are 'lucky' to be able to stay at home. It does take a lot of sacrifice. But I do wish I could be home at nights with my hubby. At least I still get to be the one to raise my little boy though. So I guess having a job like I have does make ME lucky.
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