This morning I went to a friend's house for a little play group with our kids. There was another woman there who I recognized from our neighborhood. I don't really know her, we've never talked and I don't know her name, but I say hi to her if I see her in the hallway at church. So there we are, talking for the very first time. She was (is!) really nice. But about twenty minutes into our conversation the woman asks my friend if she is pregnant. I was surprised, but figured they must be close enough friends to be on those kinds of terms. Then she turned to me and said,
"How old is your youngest?"
"He turned 18 months on January 7th."
"Oh, so it's about time you have another. You're right on track. Are you pregnant?"
I was seriously taken aback. That's a really forward question for anyone, but especially someone I don't even know. What if I were but didn't want anyone to know yet? Or what if I weren't but had really personal reasons? Or what if that is a painful subject? Before I knew what I was saying, I retorted (laughingly, but dead serious),
"That is none of your business!"
She was shocked. So was my friend. Quite frankly, so was I. Blast this stupid talk-before-I-think mouth. The woman quickly replied that she wasn't trying to offend me, and I told her it was no big deal and brushed it off. But now I feel terrible. So off I go to apologize. [sigh]
ps. For the record, I am not pregnant.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I'm a jerk.
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17 comments:
You are SO not a jerk. You give out sincere, meaningful complements, and that is really rare. I think people need to stop asking that question (myself included.) I am super impressed that you would go and apologize, and so quickly. A very non-jerky thing to do :)
Oh, no, you're fine! That was probably the better comeback out of so many possible things to say! I'd have been shocked at HER--especially for assuming anyone's timing should go on that 18-month cycle. Sheesh.
Some bodies can't handle it (yours truly).
Well, I'd want to apologize, too, just because I hate hurting people's feelings. But don't think you're a jerk! You're not!
HAHA! Janae, that is awesome.
Because seriously, it ISN'T any of her business!! I would've said the same thing.
And if the same thing were said to me I might have been taken aback and then stopped and though to myself, "HUH. maybe next time I won't ask...or I'll wait until they want to talk about it."
Maybe next time you could respond with a , "Oh. So are you asking if and how often we're having sex?"
cause no one ever asks THAT. but um, when you think about it, they really should be in the same category of personal privacy. As in, extremely.
If I were you, I wouldn't even apologize. There's absolutely no reason to on this one. That question IS a very personal question, even for best friends to ask each other. It's between husband and wife. PERIOD. Not mother in laws, not sisters. And especially NOT appropriate for sort-of-acquaintances to be asking.
GOSH.
Good for you for putting her in her place. Someone's got to do it! I know you didn't really mean for it to come out that way, but oh well!
In case you haven't noticed yet, this has been a VERY hot and touchy subject for me. From LDS and non-LDS people alike, but especially from my LDS friends.
It's like, c'mon now ladies. This is not a race or a competition. And just because we're not having a baby every year doesn't mean that the church isn't true any more!! hehehehehe. I laugh a little, but you know it's kinda true. Grrrr....
....and for the record, I've started getting those questions again, I think just because our first 3 were so close in age, just like I know yours were/are. So now people at church will say stupid stuff like, "oh, so are you guys good with 3?" or my personal favorite, "at the rate you guys have been going, you should be on baby #4 by now, right?!"
Ahhhhh, if only roundhouse kicks to the face was a Christ like way to respond to stupid people's inane questions.
p.s. And for the record, we ARE done....for now, anyway. Maybe one more in 2-3 years, but not any time soon! Life is way too crazy with the 3!!
It is a really rude question though, even from someone you ARE close to! Because you never know a person's circumstances. I Hated that question when we were trying with Kalianna. It took us two years. So I wanted to reply "no, but we've been trying for a year now. Thanks for bringing it up"
Um, NO you're not a jerk, Janae. I think it's such a common topic to discuss that women forget that it is rather personal and everyone's timetable for having kids is different - not to mention problems getting pregnant that are painful to talk about.
I know this sounds mean, but she might think twice now about being so forward with anyone on that topic. I do admire you for wanting to clear the air, but I don't think you have much to apologize for.
Dude. You're totally okay. Really, what was she thinking? She didn't even know you! I'm actually glad you said it. Good for you.
I would have said the same thing. And you are not a jerk. It IS none of her business. When people ask Josh and me that we just say that we are practicing. That shuts them up fast.
Sometimes, especially in this LDS world, I feel like I am not a good person or that people judge me because I don't have 10 kids or 1 every year. I just have Daerik, and he is going on 3 now and it has really stressed me out. But you know what, I am finally realizing that it is between me, my husband, and the Lord. Not us and my neighbor, or my Sunday School teacher, or someone I met just 5 minutes ago. The Lord knows what is best for everyone. Yes, some people can have and deal with 15 kids, or 8, or even just 1, but who do people think they are to do the judging? They never know the circumstances, the Lord's timing, His knowledge, or anything for that matter. I think people just need to wisen up and stop asking, though they won't. So until then, I'll keep answering with my same answer and I won't feel bad at all, because I (nor you) should be the one who feels guilty. It should be them.
Isn't funny how we feel worse for saying the truth sometimes than if we had just told a white lie? Sometimes it's hard to not say it. I don't think you were a jerk- you were honest which is something a lot of people aren't.
I agree with some of the previous comments- it's a personal decision that too many women are too open about asking. Yes, it's interesting to think about why "so and so" is waiting to have kids etc. but it's basically just another form of gossip. People will always be curious though. I just told everyone we were waiting until I got my teaching certificate so they wouldn't ask.
Um, yeah. That really is none of her business. Seriously, who does that?
Personal subject, and emotions run high. And yet more than a few people think it's perfectly normal to ask: Are you pregnant? Are you done? Do you want more children?
People are nosy. Maybe they're clueless about the real emotional pain of infertility. The more children someone has, and the more wisdom someone's gained, the likelihood of asking potentially hurtful questions diminishes.
The decision to bring a child into the world is one of the biggest decisions we make in life, and people treat it like public property, or make assumptions. Why not just assume that if someone wants to talk about their childbearing status, they'll let you know?
Some people are very open about it. Some of the open-ness may be an attempt to forestall the questions. People start declaring: "I'm done." "I've got my hands full."
Every person has limiting factors as to how many children they have. Some people share their struggles and others keep them private.
One friend told me: every day for years she prayed she'd be able to have another child. Imagine the depth of her longing. But her husband, not a church member, didn't want more children. And she had to respect that. Eventually God took away her longing.
I've come to realize that mental and emotional limitations are valid as well. We're not asked to run faster than we have strength.
At the same time, guilt runs high. And I sometimes compare myself to my homeschooling neighbor, who's mother to 5. But I shouldn't beat myself up. Because Heavenly Father doesn't love me any less. He's the one who gave me my life circumstances and limitations. He knows much more than I do. And I'll trust in His wisdom and plan for me.
That is funny. You're not a jerk and it sounds like you played it off rather well...IS SHE pregnant? Maybe she was waiting for someone to ask her so she could announce it...whatever!
You'd think that after having kids herself, she would know not to ask that question. There have been some people in my ward that I'm curious about if they are, but I would never ask until I am sure they have to be like 7-8 months pregnant. And as for the asking if you are gonna have more, it is totally no one's business. I get asked the question "So, are you going to try for a girl?" almost every day, and I'm surprised that I haven't retorted like that to anyone yet, because I'm on the verge.
Whoa! Since this one got some pretty lengthy and emotional comments, I think I'm going to abstain from offering my two-cents. I'll offer those in person. :)
I think I would have gotten angry too and did the same thing. I remember before we had Emma and people would ask how long Andy and I were married... "oh longer than a year?! You SHOULD have kids by now!" Talk about awkward silences. Even when people ask if Emma was planned-- come on, honestly? You NEED to know that?! Eww!
I'm a pretty open and blunt person, but when it comes to questions about children, I agree with the other wonderful ladies here... it really ISN'T anyone else's business.
However, I do admit that sometimes when you have nothing better to ask when you are trying to have conversations with someone you just met/are getting to know, QUESTIONS like that do arise-- not some imagined time table of when you should have another bun in the oven. Avoiding a question is much easier than avoiding someone basically telling you that you should be pregnant by now.
I've just got to tell you this story. Dan and I waited for almost 4 years before we had Jackson. Apparently if your not pregnant 2 seconds after your married then obviously something must be wrong with you.
I had a lady at church pull me aside and tell me she has some 'oils' that I need to try. They are the best and she really thinks they could help me. I was a little confused but I didn't want to offend her so I just listened to her give her little speech. It wasn't until she got to the 'I know you'll be pregnant in no time' part that I realized why I "needed" this oils.
I told Dan about the conversation later and we decided when we were ready we'd give it a try naturally first. :) It was about 5 months after this lady talked to me, we decided to start trying and 2 seconds after that that I was pregnant. I didn't need the oils after all.
I soooooo think that stems from the many times we have vented back and forth how incredible ignorant it is for people to ask that question! The funny thing is that you're not the jerk...the person who asks kind of is...and you're the one apologizing. Ethically, you shouldn't have to apologize, but socially that's the right thing to do. So good job on being socially submissive even though it goes against almost every fiber of your being. :)
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