Freaking Out

Okay. I'm freaking out. My 10 year high school reunion is this weekend. I've been trying not to think about it. I don't know why I'm going. Quite frankly, it's making me sick.

You know how when you go back home and see your siblings, you all kind of revert back to your childhood selves? Or how when you see an ex-boyfriend after years and years you still get a sick feeling in your stomach? Apparently thinking about high school makes me revert back to my paranoid, self-conscious self. I wasn't shy, but I worried all the time about what people thought of me (a pretty typical teenage emotion). The thought of being rejected was petrifying. I just knew that if I showed any sign of weakness or imperfection, everyone would hate me. For example:

• In the very beginning of 8th grade I discovered that I hated my legs. So from then on - for the next five years of middle school and high school - I never once wore shorts to school. NEVER. Because if people knew I had ugly legs, they would hate me.

• During my junior year I saw an episode of Dharma and Greg where she wore capris. I had never seen capris before and I loved them. I searched and searched the stores until I found a pair. But capris weren't popular yet--they wouldn't be for another two years--and no one in my school wore them. (Seriously, no one. I watched meticulously.) So I never wore them to school. I was too scared to wear anything that might draw attention to itself. Because people might reject me if I wore the wrong thing.
  

• I never had groups of friends over during high school. Maybe one or two at a time under the guise of a "study group," but never big groups and never parties. My logic went like this: if I invite people and no one comes, that will mean that everyone hates me. And I was so anxious about being hated that I never dared invite people over. In fact, the only get-together that I ever helped initiate was a 17th birthday party, and the only reason I did was because one of my best friends had her birthday two days before mine and she insisted we have a party together. I figured if no one showed, that meant they hated her too, and at least we'd have each other. (As it turned out, we had nearly 100 people come. But I figured it was because they liked her. I wasn't so sure how they felt about me.)
  

I left high school half way through my senior year to be an exchange student in Bolivia. It was really hard, but it humbled me. I realized that my paranoia came from thinking only of myself. Then I went to BYU for my freshman year and had an amazingly brave and non-self-conscious roommate. Thanks to her I finally got some guts. It was absolutely liberating not to worry all the time. I felt so free.

But now I'm back to the beginning. I'm facing high school all over again. And I'm freaking out.

I'm not bringing my kids, but what if people ask me about them? Should I bring a picture? Or would that be uncool/annoying? What if I don't remember people's names? And what if I'm not thin enough? I kept thinking about exercising before this. All spring and all summer. But whenever I thought about it too much, I'd find myself at Costco buying 36-packs of chocolate mousse cups. Heaven sakes, I know I look fine, but this reverting to paranoia thing is killing me!

Okay, so here's the question: What should I wear?

1. Invisible outfit. It won't draw attention to itself, so I can spend my time spying on people as a fly on the wall.
2. My most anti-high school shirt. I wouldn't have been caught dead in something so eccentric and bright (although that's what I love most about it now). The picture doesn't show the really cool braiding around the neck.
3. A happy medium. The shirt is unique, but not bright. I am wearing shorts, though, and that is super rebellious from my high school persona.